Mental Health

How to Quit Porn for Good: The 5 Levels of Recovery

Photo by Lorenz Lippert on Unsplash

Hello Fellow Fighter,

Welcome to the fight for your life. If you’re struggling with porn addiction, know that you’re not alone. Recovery is a hero’s journey and like any hero’s journey, the perils are real, but the rewards are glorious. You may be at the start of this path; or maybe we’re meeting each other after many failed starts. Wherever you are, use this moment to fully commit yourself to your own recovery. You are worth it.

If you love someone struggling with porn addiction, it can be heart-wrenching to watch them suffer. You may also be experiencing devastating trauma and feelings of betrayal. Often, loved ones of porn addicts deal with these painful emotions under a shroud of isolation, unsure how to bring it up with their loved one or to reach out for help. While this article is primarily directed to those struggling with addiction, I do include many resources you may also find helpful, like Bloom and Recover.

Below, I outline some of the most powerful resources out there to help you or your loved one climb out of the hell of porn addiction and re-engage with a life full of love and healthy relationships. I arrange these in levels based on the order I think they make most sense, but this journey is unique for everyone so mix and combine however is helpful. Some of them cost money, but I get no kick-backs from any of these resources and include them only because the cost is worth it.

Ultimately, no website, or podcast, or book will lift you out of addiction. The only way to stop this cycle of addiction is to interrupt it with a different cycle:

1. Strengthen your willpower.
2. Exercise your willpower.
3. Repeat.

This takes time and practice, and willpower is strengthened only gradually, especially if it has already been eroded by addiction. Each of the below resources alternate between reinforcing and stretching your willpower. (I can’t help but add that Shakespeare often used the word “will” as innuendo for either lust or genitals. See Sonnet 135, The Merry Wives of Windsor I.i.213, and Rape of Lucrece line 247. So in that sense too, it’s about getting power over your “will” 😉😉.)

More than anything, please feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions or want to talk. I’m not a professional counselor, but I listen from a place of experience and empathy and can usually point you towards at least a couple helpful resources based on whatever part of this journey you’re on.

Pornography by the Numbers

Let’s start with a few statistics to set the stage:

• 70% of men ages 18–24 admit to visiting a porn site at least once a month.
• 1 in 10 men admit to having sexual addictions.
• Porn use isn’t just a male problem. 1/3 of all internet porn users are female.
• At least 40 million Americans are regular visitors to porn sites.
• 12% of all websites are pornographic.
• 35% of all internet downloads are pornographic.
• 25% of internet searches are related to sex — about 68 million requests a day.
• About 28,000 internet users are viewing porn every second.
• One 2015 study found that of the men in their sample who engaged in compulsive sexual behavior, including frequent pornography use, 71% suffered from sexual dysfunction, and 33% had difficulty orgasming. Many other studies confirm this trend. Read this from Fight the New Drug (FTND) for a good summary of the science.
• Porn use has been linked to decreased libido.
• Porn use has also been shown to be a strong predictor of poor marital health.
• Hypersexual behavior has been linked with many comorbidities, including anxiety, mood disorder, addictive video-game use, and substance abuse.
• The annual cost of pornography on business productivity could be as high as $17 billion annually.
• In 2016, these trends in porn use translated to an estimated 5.967 million kWh of energy used by Pornhub streaming alone — that’s the same amount of energy as leaving 11,000 light bulbs on for an entire year. In other words, internet porn use may have reached such epic proportions that its negative impact on the environment completely offsets the positive effects of its “dematerialization” (shifts away from print and DVD materials to digital alternatives).

(For more statistics about what we know and don’t know about online porn use, see this incredible meta-analysis.)

Am I Really Addicted?

While these statistics do mean you’re not alone, they also mean pornography is pervasive and very difficult to avoid. In fact, it is far more likely the average person has seen some form of pornography than not at all.

Another great resource outlines that involvement in pornography happens along a continuum, ranging from:

1. Inadvertent Exposure, which may include nearly everyone.
2. Occasional Use, which adds to inadvertent exposure a level of intentionality.
3. Intensive Use, which adds repetition to the point of habituality and often builds in intensity or explicitness over time.
4. Compulsive Use (Addiction), in which a level of dependency has developed, often causing pornography use to take out-sized and unhealthy priority over other areas of life — work, family, health, hygiene, etc.

If you’re not sure whether your porn use qualifies as full-on “addiction” status, read this from PsychCentral, and this from Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). Consider taking SAA’s self-assessment. In general, I would say any porn use carries with it the risk to develop into addiction.

5 Levels of Recovery

Below are the most powerful resources out there for successfully recovering from porn addiction. I’ve tried to organize these into an order that makes sense for most people. That said, this is your journey; use these in your own way.

However, I would definitely recommend something of a “Hail Mary” approach: Make it a goal to complete everything on this list. Yes, that is a lot. But you need something to fully immerse yourself in to counterbalance the intense stimulant effect of pornography on the brain — an effect possibly even more powerful than that of cocaine. And you never know which of these resources will be just the right thing at just the right time until after you’ve tried it.

Before we go anywhere else, make a commitment to devote at least 30 minutes a day to your recovery and to working through these resources. Quitting porn alone may open up at least that much time in your day. If the only way to make that time is to split it up over your day, then do that. Ten minutes of meditation in the morning, some reading/listening on the commute to work (if we ever do that again), an audiobook or podcast from this list while you’re exercising, ten minutes of journaling or reflection before you go to sleep. All those crumbs of time add up, and if you wait for a loaf you may never get it. Use the crumbs.

Ok, here we go:

Level 1

• Watch Thanks for Sharing.
• Buy Recovery Medallions: 24 hr ($5) and a 1–18 month pack ($18). Be honest about the date of your last relapse and always carry on your person the medallion that fits your sobriety timeline.
• Download Brainbuddy. It’s worth the $12.99 a month to unlock Full Access. If that’s “too expensive” (rolling-my-eyes air-quotes) then just wait — if you don’t get this under control you will spend much, much, much more than that feeding your addiction.
• Read this article about The Real Cost of Pornography, and tally up the hours and dollars and opportunities you’ve already lost to porn use. Project this forward another 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. 😱 And that will very likely be a severe under-estimate of the real cost — addiction only gets more expensive over time.
• Start meeting with a Therapist. If you don’t already have one, I recommend Addo Recovery.
• Start reading the Sex Addicts Anonymous Green Book.
• Get the facts on pornography from Fight the New Drug.
• If you’re currently feeling isolated, or are self-quarantining, read this PDF or take this short course from Naked Truth Recovery.

Level 2

• Use Brainbuddy every. single. day. Don’t skip the daily mindfulness meditations. Don’t be afraid to ask other users for help when you need it.
• Complete the Insight Timer course, “Break the Vicious Cycle of Addiction” by Valerie Mason-John.
• Read Your Brain on Porn, by Gary Wilson. Available on Kindle for $6.
• Download the Fortify App and start working through its awwwwwesome courses. It’s worth the $9.99/month to get full access. (Again, if you’re worried about money, this is nothing compared to the cost of porn addictions over time. Invest in your health.)
• Start regularly attending recovery meetings through SAA, S-Anon, Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, or Naked Truth Recovery’s Click to Kick or Whole Life Recovery online programs. (There are also women-only groups offered through these organizations. Read this if you’re hesitant to attend a group as a woman.) Whatever group you choose, commit to attending at least six consecutive meetings.
• Get encouragement from others by checking out the r/pornfree and r/NoFap pages on Reddit.
• Get rid of alllllll your porn. In all forms. On all devices. In all your closets. Get it out. Have a bonfire. No one wants to see that at Goodwill thank you.
• Add Internet filters on all your devices and ask a loved one to choose and safeguard a password for you. See here for how to use Apple’s built-in Screentime to do this.
• Get a fuller picture of the recovery journey you’ve started by reading Out of the Shadows, by Patrick Carnes.

Level 3

• Shatter shame by reading Brené Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, and/or listening to her incredible TED Talks: The power of vulnerability, or Listening to shame.
• Look at FTND’s guides for how to talk about porn and sex addiction with those in your support circle (family, close friends, clergy, therapists, etc.). It is especially important to be open with your partner/significant other.
• Support your current partner/significant other, if there is one in your life right now, through this experience. For female partners, encourage them to connect with Bloom and its support community and treasure trove of resources for betrayal trauma. Recover and Naked Truth Recovery are also great resources. For male partners, I recommend the courses and coaching available through Path. Partner Betrayal Trauma may also be a good resource for affected partners, though it’s not one I’ve had much exposure to personally. Educate yourself about the impacts of porn on your loved ones with these webinars from Naked Truth Recovery.
• Actively encourage others on Brainbuddy by participating in your assigned team, and on the Share Advice and Help Others sections.
• Check out the free courses on Path’s website.
• Watch the three part documentary about porn use, Brain Heart World. from Fight the New Drug.
• Read the book, Every Man’s Battle, and start practicing how to “bounce your eyes” (chapter 11).

Level 4

• Read How to Quit Porn from Art of Manliness ($4)
• Check out the resources for healing your relationships on Addo Recovery’s website.
• If you have a partner/significant other, download and join the Lasting app and link your accounts. This is like a digital couples counselor, but much more effective than many couples counselors I’ve ever been to at teaching skills necessary for building and healing your relationships.
• Read Russell Brand’s delightfully explicit book, Recovery: Freedom from our Addictions. (Also summarized in this podcast with Tony Robbins, this interview from Commune, and this interview on Russell Brand’s own YouTube channel.)
• If you’re still struggling to break the cycle of addiction, consider a total fast from sexual activity for 3–6 months to allow your brain to completely reboot. Counsel with your partner/significant other about how to adjust from a total fast to allow a continuation of healthy sexual intimacy with one another.
• Start working through the activities in Facing the Shadow, by Patrick Carnes.

Level 5

• Deepen your practice of mindfulness by completing the free, online course, Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction from Palouse Mindfulness.
• Read Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It ($3)
• Read Art of Manliness’s guide, Building Your Resilience (free)
• Learn the powerful art of self-coaching by tuning into the Life Coach School Podcast.
• Learn more about how to hack your own habit loop from Art of Manliness.
• If you’re still struggling with addiction and it’s severely impacting your life, consider Gentle Path at the Meadows, or another immersive treatment program.

We Can Do This

Recovery is not at all easy. But it is worth it. And the alternative is crushing and hopeless. However hard it seems right now, I know that you can do this.

I also know that you will not be able to do this alone. Luckily, you‘re not alone. There are many, many, many of us out there who have been where you are now and walked this path already. We’re here to help. Stop letting shame or fear or pride keep you from reaching out.

We’re all in this together.