Divorce | Parenting
Parenting Plans: Extracurricular Activities
How to manage your kids’ extracurriculars in a High Conflict Divorce
Between COVID and divorce, I’ve wondered — often—whether my kids will ever have a normal childhood. The last year of no soccer games, or play groups, or joy school/preschool, or even family get-togethers has thrown us all for a loop. I guess I should feel grateful my kids are young enough that they really haven’t noticed anything is different—for my three year old, a COVID world is about all she remembers. But honestly, that isn’t really that comforting.
Eventually, though, the world will settle back into some version of regular. And with that, I hope comes some version of regular childhood for my kids. And nothing says “regular childhood” for me more than extracurricular activities. Baseball games, swim lessons, piano recitals, Scout camps, gymnastics, dance—these are rolling through my head like a glisteny Coca-Cola ad right now.
Divorce, on the other hand…that won’t ever settle back into what it was before. And my kids have noticed. All the bouncing between houses, and not having all their clothes and toys in one place, and the variations in rules and routines—none of that stopped for us through COVID, not even for a week. And, like most other parts of life, divorce has a way of gumming up even the most pastime-y of extracurricular activities. Especially when your co-parenting relationship is characterized by ongoing conflict.
(For more on high conflict divorce, high conflict co-parenting, and high conflict personalities, check out HighConflictInstitute.com.)
But the good news is that you’re not completely stuck. There are simple ways to improve communication and help your kids find some semblance of normal.
Below are some ideas for how to help your kids still participate in all the fun extracurricular activities out there, with as much constructive co-parenting and as little conflict as possible.
Just a note that most of the below is geared toward co-parents where there isn’t ongoing abuse or violence. The assumption underlying the below is that parallel parenting is at least possible. Even situations with active and intense parental alienation can still benefit from the below. But, situations with ongoing abuse and violence may need something entirely different.
Jump:
Parenting Plan
Your top resource here is hands down your Parenting Plan. Hopefully, yours doesn’t just gloss over extracurricular activities. The scheduling, financial, and interaction logistics of extracurriculars really deserve more than a one-liner.
Now, I’m not a lawyer, and I’m not going to pretend to be one. So don’t take this as legal advice. But, in the case your Parenting Plan does not serve you well in this arena, or if you’re working on drafting an initial or updated Parenting Plan, here’s some language you can potentially start from—the product of combining and refining several different exemplary Parenting Plans, each geared toward high conflict situations.
Feel free to tweak for your situation, and discuss it with your lawyer or Parenting Coordinator. I’ve found that lawyers tend to appreciate it when you do homework and bring them something to respond to—not to mention this can save you money.
Definitions
Best to spell out exactly what you mean by “extracurricular activities”:
This section pertains to at least: school-related music, drama, or sports activities; honor societies or other student clubs, government, groups, or associations; community music groups, theaters, leagues, groups, or clubs; private tutoring; music lessons; swimming lessons; sports teams or clubs; horseback riding lessons; Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts.
Extracurriculars Belong to the Kids…
…not the parents. Information and attendance should be open to either parent:
Extracurricular activities belong to the children, not the parents. Each parent has an equal right to attend a child’s extracurricular activities and events, regardless of whose parenting time occurs during the event. Any parent made aware of such an upcoming event is required, promptly upon being made aware, to inform the other parent. It is the responsibility of parents to discuss activities important to the children in advance, including times, dates, and transportation needs, so that the children are not deprived of activities and maintaining friendships. No disciplinary measure will be taken to restrict extracurricular activities, unless agreed by both parents or required by academic or legal authorities.
Scheduling
When activities may affect the other parent’s parenting time, advance notice and mutual consent are key:
For activities that may affect the other parent’s parenting time, no later than 14 days prior to enrolling a child, the parent proposing the activity must notify the other of all potential impacts on the other’s parenting time. Within 3 days of receiving notice of the proposed activity, the other parent must indicate whether they agree/disagree with allowing the activity to impact their parenting time. Neither parent shall discuss the other parent’s willingness or unwillingness to schedule extracurricular activities with the children, or encourage or consent to such activities without written approval from the other parent. Consent shall not be unreasonably withheld.
Reimbursement Agreement
Decouple scheduling and reimbursements, just in case the other parent may be open to one but not the other.
A parent may disagree with an extracurricular activity impacting their parenting time, but still agree to divide expenses, and vice versa. To request division of expenses for an extracurricular activity, the parent proposing the expense must notify the other no later than 14 days prior to the first incurrence of the expense, and the other parent must indicate whether they agree to share expenses within 3 days of receiving notice of the proposed expense. Consent shall not be unreasonably withheld.
Reimbursement Procedures
You’d be surprised how helpful these specifics will be for you. (You can also borrow this same language for other types of reimbursement, like medical, preschool, school materials, etc.):
The parents will share the costs of all such expenses equally [or, “in proportion to income”].
If possible for both parents to pay their portion directly to the service provider, the party initially proposing the expense shall provide to the other parent, no later than 7 days prior to initial payment, details necessary to arrange direct payment. Each parent is responsible for paying their portion of the expense in a timely manner, and will provide proof of payment to the other parent upon request, within 14 days of such request.
If direct payment is not possible, the parent who incurs an expense is responsible for promptly requesting payment from the other parent in writing, providing proof of purchase, within 60 days of initial payment. A delay of more than 60 days between initial payment and request for reimbursement is not considered timely, and the other parent shall not be required to reimburse any portion of the expense.Otherwise, the obligated parent shall reimburse their portion within 30 days of receipt of reimbursement request.
If a bill does not change month-to-month, proof of payment can be presented once and then the incurring parent must update the other parent if the bill or cost changes. Each parent must provide proof of continued payments at the other parent’s request, within 14 days of such a request.
Last Resort
Leave room to still permit extracurricular activities even if the other parent doesn’t agree to support, so long as these are only on your time and budget:
Activities that can be implemented during only one parent’s time, and no reimbursement is needed, require no consent from the other parent.
Parenting Coordinator
If your co-parenting relationship is one with ongoing conflict, I highly recommend you keep a Parenting Coordinator to help you navigate whatever may come up. Parenting Coordinators are a phenomenon that have only really arisen in popularity over the last decade or so. But, it makes sense why: With either law or mental health backgrounds, they have the ability to bring calm and clarity to a co-parenting relationship by creating safe distance between co-parents and serving as a resource for problem-solving and training. And, their rates tend to be a good deal lower than an attorney’s.
If you don’t have a Parenting Coordinator, in many states you’ll need a court order to appoint one, though this usually requires just a motion and judge approval — no need to appear in court.
You can start by researching parenting coordinators near you—besides Google, you can check out High Conflict Institute’s network of those trained in their programs—and arranging one hour consultations with a few that stick out to you. Parenting Coordinators usually do charge for these consultations at their hourly rate, but it’s really the best way to screen potentials, not to mention a great way to get feedback and ideas about your co-parenting situation.
Once you have a Parenting Coordinator in place, they can help you handle the necessary major interactions with your co-parent related to extracurriculars: long-term scheduling agreements, reimbursements, disagreements, lack of cooperation, when consent seems to be withheld as punishment or otherwise unreasonably, cases where a parent may be using extracurriculars as a way to target or alienate the other parent, etc.
Co-Parenting App
While Parenting Coordinators can be incredibly helpful in getting over the major hurdles of extracurriculars, it can get a bit expensive (and slow) to use them for the more mundane logistics, like game delays, or individual repayment requests, or recital and dress rehearsal scheduling.
For that level of coordination, consider a co-parenting app. Some of the most popular are:
- Our Family Wizard ($99/yr)
- Fayr ($9.99/mo)
- Talking Parents ($5.99/mo)
- 2houses ($150/yr)
- coParenter ($119/yr)
- AppClose (Free)
- WeParent ($9.99/mo)
Most of these apps have features for secure parent-to-parent communication, reimbursement requests, receipt and other document storage and sharing, and calendar coordination. Plus, most make it easy to keep a Parenting Coordinator or Lawyer in the loop, pull them in for help, or give them quick transparency into whatever might be going on. Some of them even use AI to flag language that borders on conflictive.
Of course, email and text messages work too. But, if you’re struggling with communicating with your co-parent, do yourselves a favor and get a co-parenting app in place. Even if the other side doesn’t jump on board, just having one for your use will give you some peace of mind.
Perspective
Who knows, maybe one or all of these ideas will be your silver bullet and resolve all your co-parenting woes. Or, more likely, they won’t. Ultimately, no matter what you do, you won’t be able to give your kids every extracurricular experience they or you may want. But, then again, that would have been the case even without divorce.
Like with most issues related to divorce and co-parenting, perspective is paramount. No, not everything will work out. Some activities may not be options like they would have otherwise. Your kids won’t get to do everything they want to. And, that doesn’t mean nothing will work out.
Small, simple improvements, like the ones here, can make a big difference. Don’t give up. Keep being kind, patient, and persistent. Your kids will thank you later.
